Oh, Ronald!
by SantaClaustrophobia
Summary: This is the story of five girls and their quest to write a Harry Potter FanFiction. Madness and hilarity ensues.
1. The Hogwarts Express

A/N: This was written by myself (Alex) with my four best friends in the whole world- Jess, Rebecca, Caitlin, and Abby. We are JARCA! This idea was randomly conceived at a Dairy Queen during a thunderstorm. It's full of madness and snogging, so enjoy! And don't forget to review!

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing except ourselves. But if we owned the Harry Potter universe...oh, the things we could do!...

* * *

"OH, RONALD!" Caitlin moaned.

"SHUT UP, CAITLIN!" we all yelled.

It was 11:30 on a Sunday night and my three friends and I were all trying our hardest to come up with a Harry Potter FanFiction, which we planned to focus on Harry's seventh year at Hogwarts. Caitlin wasn't helping proceedings by yelling "Oh, Ronald!" every few seconds.

"I just want it to be a part of the fic!" she protested. After a few moments, she started (I don't know any other way to put it) yodeling and rocking sideways in her chair. Caitlin gets kind of hyper this late at night.

"Okay, guys, how the hell are we gonna start this thing?" I asked.

Rebecca volunteered: "I say we start it on the Hogwarts Express so we don't have to worry about all the crap with the Dursley's."

"This thing is gonna be rated M for a reason. We gotta put in lots of sex. And language, damn it," I said.

"All right," Abby replied. "So first-"

"Everyone is gay!" Caitlin interrupted. We all stared at her. She stared right back. "What?"

"Back to the sex," I said. "Harry's gonna fuck Ginny. Or Hermione. Or both. At the same time."

"That's gonna be juicy," Abby said.

"Literally," I responded.

"And then Ron joins in!" Caitlin exclaimed.

"Ginny is his SISTER, Caitlin!" Rebecca pointed out.

"Oh." Caitlin looked slightly dejected. "Whoops."

"Wait- so all this is happening on the Hogwarts Express?" I asked, bewildered. We were all silent for a moment.

"No, it happens in the four-poster beds," Caitlin said.

"With the curtains!" Abby shouted excitedly.

"We all know why those curtains are there," I said mysteriously.

We pondered what exactly to type next for several moments.

"There's snogging!" Caitlin yelled. "Lots of it!"

"Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are in a compartment SNOGGING!" Rebecca added.

"And then Draco joins in!" Caitlin said.

"Wait, what's he doing on the train? Isn't he, like, evil or something?" I asked.

"He…uh…LOOK OVER THERE!" Caitlin pointed to Abby and I looked at her, and Caitlin suddenly smacked me on the back of the head.

As I rubbed my stinging head, I said, "So, basically, they're snogging the whole time on the train."

"What about that lady who brings the food cart around? Isn't she gonna be slightly freaked out if she opens the compartment door and sees a bunch of horny 17 year-olds snogging?" Abby said. Nobody said anything….

* * *

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny managed to find their own compartment on the crowded Hogwarts Express.

"I thought you weren't going to come back to Hogwarts, Harry," Hermione said.

"I changed my mind," Harry replied shortly. He turned to Ginny and proceeded to suck off her face. "I missed you," he said as he gulped for air. Ron and Hermione looked awkwardly at each other. Ron shrugged and leaped at Hermione. They fell off the bench and rolled around on the floor, snogging frantically.

Draco walked in. "Hey, don't start this party without me!" He grabbed Harry from Ginny and kissed him.

Ginny narrowed her eyes and hissed, "Sectumsempra!" A slash appeared on Draco's back and blood spurted out.

"Damn it, not again," he murmured as he fell on the floor and died, narrowly missing Ron and Hermione, who didn't notice as they were still snogging. Ginny smiled, satisfied, and jumped once again on Harry.

* * *

"Perfect." Caitlin smiled wickedly.

"And Draco dies! YES!" Abby exclaimed.

"But now do we have any idea what's gonna happen next?" I asked.

"Well, I suppose they're at Hogwarts now," Rebecca said.

There was silence for a couple of minutes. Caitlin started snoring softly. I slapped her.

"WAKE UP, WHOREWOMAN!" I shouted. "WE STILL HAVE LOTS MORE TO WRITE!"

She awoke with a start. "Owwww," she said.

Rebecca spoke up. "So should they be in the common room? In a Quidditch match? In the hallway?"

"Heh heh…hallway," Abby snickered.

"How about it starts when they're in their common room after the first day of classes," Rebecca started…

* * *

"I can't believe how much homework we got!" Hermione groaned.

"Yeah." Ron sighed.

"And Flitwick tried to kiss me!" Harry shouted.

They shuddered collectively.

"So where's Ginny?" Ron asked. "I wanna kiss her."

Rebecca jumped into the story. "She's your sister, you retard!"

"Oh," Ron said, sounding slightly dejected. "Whoops."

"Wait," Hermione said to Rebecca, "who the hell are you?"

"Ummm…I'm an exchange student. From…uh…Venezuela."

"Cool," Ron said, staring dreamily at her. "You wanna snog?"

"Well, I-" Suddenly, Abby jumped into the story. "I'm available for snogging!" she shouted as she pounced on Ron.

* * *

"Why do those two get to be in the story?" Caitlin said, angered.

"They volunteered," I said simply. "But I don't understand why Rebecca didn't take up Ron's offer to snog…"

"Well, we're gonna be in there soon, aren't we?" she pleaded.

"Soon enough. As soon as I run out of ideas again," I said.

"Um, Alex? Did you think this through? How are they gonna get out again?" Caitlin asked.

"That-" I stopped to think. "That is a very good question."

"As long as they're happy," Caitlin shrugged.

"I guess that as long as the computer stays on, they can come out again-"

The computer promptly shut off.

"Shit," I said.


	2. Ron and Harry's Broomsticks

It was ten o'clock the next morning when the doorbell rang. Caitlin and I had fallen asleep in front of the computer, having spent about two hours trying to figure out why it had stopped working. We jolted awake and ran to the door, only to find Jess standing outside.

"What the fuck took you so long?" she shouted, obviously agitated.

"We were asleep in front of the computer," I said.

"Why?" she asked.

"It's a LOOOOONG story," Caitlin said.

She peered around us and looked inside the house. "And where are Abby and Rebecca?"

We heard Abby's voice shout from the computer room. "SNOGGING!" We turned around and looked into the hallway. There was silence. "Not with each other!" she added hastily.

Caitlin and I grabbed Jess and dragged her into the room to find that the computer had turned on again. "What the hell...?" I said.

"WILL SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON!" Jess yelled.

* * *

Abby and Rebecca had no trouble readjusting to life in Hogwarts. In fact, they never wanted to leave! They really didn't have to worry about it at the moment, anyway, because Alex and Caitlin had no idea how to get them back out. Besides, it was the first Quidditch match of the season, Gryffindor versus Slytherin, and Abby and Rebecca wanted to see what the outcome would be.

"ABBY!" Rebecca shouted. "WE'RE GONNA BE LATE IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!"

"SORRY!" Abby responded, running down the steps from the boys' dormitory, arm-in-arm with Ron. "We were snogging."

"Ron, aren't you on the team?" Rebecca asked.

"Oh...right," Ron said, obviously disappointed. "Bye, Abby." He pulled Abby close and they started making out again. Rebecca slapped him.

"GO PLAY QUIDDITCH!"

* * *

"Mmmmm...snog," Caitlin said dreamily.

"What the fuck, Caitlin?" Jess stared at Caitlin, bewildered.

* * *

Abby and Rebecca sat side-by-side in the stands of the Quidditch stadium.

"Wow...Harry has a really long broomstick," Rebecca said.

"So does Ron. Believe me," Abby replied devilishly.

"And look at how well he handles those balls!" Rebecca exclaimed. "Wait, where's Draco?"

"He died on the Hogwarts Express, remember?"

"Oh, right! YES!"

* * *

"Okay, so all this happened last night?" Jess asked.

"I know it sounds crazy, but all of it's true," I said.

"Oh, no, I believe it, I'm just PISSED I wasn't here!"

The three of us sat there in silence for a moment or two.

"Is there any way to get them out?" Jess asked.

"Not that we've figured out yet," Caitlin said.

"What are their parents gonna say?" Jess inquired.

"Oh, shit," I said. "We hadn't thought of that."

"Apparently you haven't thought much," Jess retorted.

"Well, they're not coming until four this afternoon. We have time," Caitlin said. She stopped and thought for a moment. "Why am I not in the story yet?" She jumped at the computer screen and disappeared.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jess and I yelled simultaneously. Jess jumped at the screen, too, apparently trying to bring Caitlin back. She cracked into it and bounced off, landing in a heap on the floor.

"Well, that was brilliant," I grumbled sarcastically.

* * *

Abby and Rebecca were enjoying the Quidditch match when they saw Caitlin fall out of the sky.

"Oh my God, she landed on Ron's broomstick!" Rebecca exclaimed.

"Is- is she okay?" Abby asked concernedly.

"Who cares? She landed on Ron's BROOMSTICK!" She started laughing and Abby joined in after a few seconds.

"Haha...it's funny 'cause broomstick could actually mean penis," Abby chuckled.

They didn't notice when Caitlin lurched, unconcious, off the broomstick and fell twenty feet to the ground.

All the Quidditch players landed on the pitch as Dumbledore staggered out of the crowd of people and approached Caitlin. Abby and Rebecca ran after him.

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?" Abby asked.

"Nah...just WASTED!" Dumbledore shouted. He belched and toppled over.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Rebecca questioned.

"I guess we take her to the hospital wing," Abby said. She looked disdainfully at Dumbledore. "And him, too."

* * *

"I hope Caitlin's okay," I said to Jess.

"I wonder where she landed," Jess pondered.

It was already eleven o'clock, and we had no clue what to do.

"I'm gonna go get me some cookies," Jess said as she got up and went to the kitchen. I sat there for a few seconds, then shrugged and jumped in the computer. Jess came back in after five minutes to find the room empty.

"Hey Alex, where are- DAMN YOU, YOU WHORE!" she shouted, realizing I had gone in without her. She stared at the computer screen, dumbfounded, then paused and knocked over a chair for effect. When she realized I wasn't coming back, she lunged at the computer.

"Blue skidoo, we can too!" she sang cheerily as she disappeared.


End file.
